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Time:06:10 pm
I'm not going to ask for forgiveness anymore, or say I'm sorry. I'm just going to ask if you can help me make it better. I realize a lot of my mistakes in perception and what my brain did because of what happened. I didn't listen to my real knowledge, which pretty much told me things would be okay, instead I overreacted to your actions and started believing that the surface was the reality and questioning my ability to correctly perceive... the fact of this person coming back meant nothing. You would have gotten over being mad at me. My perception was fine, the only problem was my immense fear and just being human... which I still am. You could have done something, I am sorry if my saying that annoys you, it's neither here nor there but it's true. Before this all happened. Doesn't change anything now, but still. If you can't forgive me, fine. I know how I've been, and you can keep on being whatever you wanna be. I'm not the only person to blame there. I learned a lesson. And yet, the initial cause of my self hatred still exists and haunts me... I vowed to myself that I would never and never wanted to give this person attention or let them in again, the main reason I'm where I am rests on that. I was human, I wanted to be protected and I felt I had earned that... and because that didn't happen, I felt like I as being punished for something, when I wasn't. That aside, this crap is still in my system... I would rather be dead than disabled or unable to function. I am afraid of it interfering with my thoughts and being in my system or corrupting my process, which it has done an awesome job of. I don't trust myself worth shit. I don't feel entitled to anything, but nor will I have anything but a major sense of relief if you respond, you're one of the few factors I am incredibly stressed out about. I have a long way to go before I can fix everything or even some minor things. And some have a lot to do with you... I really don't give a rat's ass about what you think about that. Despite whatever, I vastly prefer trusting you to the alternative and do... best decision I ever made. I should have stuck by it. But at that point, I really needed help. Energetically and spiritually. And my heart just closed when that didn't happen. Decipher hat however the fuck you want. It still bugs me that this could even happen. And it still bugs me that my system is so full of shit right now that I can't just feel. I enjoy some of my well earned biases, but I even have to work on naturally reacting to those and wiping conditioning/past 2 years. I just wanted you to help me instead of becoming one of my problems to fix. It takes a lot for me to contact you and even consider the possibility that you'll respond, I haven't let myself actually hope that in a while, or think it could be a possibilty. Thinking you hate me just makes me feel like I've regressed waaaay back to being a complete moron, so I don't. I'm just trying to fix it. Don't have the highest opinion of myself right now, so don't blame you for your's.

xoxo Cyn
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Time:07:24 pm
okay, I'm gonna have 2 suitcases, I need to take:

my books,
some of my clothing,
ritual stuff
ps2 and games
shoes
non perishable food

it's gonna be sparse. maybe I can get away with an extra duffel bag for more clothes.

I still need too do laundry, buy sleeping pills for the trip, design a new website for domming, lose at least 5-10 lbs [wonder why I don't post pics anymore... yeah. I feel gross], try to buy a new pair of thigh high boots,make a list of dungeons and their rental rates, contact them to see if they are hiring for shifts, contact and list strip clubs in the area, solidify contacts, make a new myspace, possibly get extensions before heading down there if I can find someone cheap.

yeah.
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Time:05:58 am
it's creepy cuz I can feel this thing getting happy or sad... and it's a nasty motherfucker.
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Time:01:16 am
ah well, maybe I'll confine some stuff to my journal.
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Time:11:49 pm
sexiest bitch in the world

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Subject:new favorite song
Time:11:35 pm
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Time:10:11 pm
things are lining up...

wish I could enjoy that more...
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Time:05:01 pm
I really don't want to die, but if some things don't happen I won't have a choice.
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Time:01:25 am
I'm reading this girl's journal and getting *pissed off*.

I hate abusers and rapists. nobody should kill themselves or feel guilty for being raped when they truly hold zero responsibility. fuck forgiveness. maybe it's just cuz of the similarity with mental reactions to crap, I'm just further along with dealing.

*eye twitch*
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Time:12:40 am
ugh. I don't even want to read about other people going through the same crap after being raped/abused... malicious thoughtforms causing physical pain and all that shit. I just decipher it so fucking differently, it's dumb to treat it as normal.

I'm going to get through this without therapy, and I'll probably have an attitude about that and still feel guilty for not doing a good enough job. Making myself a helpless victim only caused garbage. So did listening to most people, but I knew that would. I only listen to a couple of people, sometimes. No fucking therapist could deal with this. Unless they were actually tuned in with me.
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Time:01:49 am
I live life not giving a shit about anything, I was happy not expecting anything, just going through the days with my goals, which were many and happily non contradicting contradictions. I miss my life. I want it back.
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Subject:make a million dollars
Time:12:36 am
i hate stripping.

i am going to see if i can make something work and knock these patterns on their ass.  permanently.
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Time:11:43 pm
I wish I was fucking dead.//

i'm wherever i want to be, baby. nothing gets a goddamned say in any of it.
i want to go fucking home, to myself, to who i was/am... but who the goddamnedmotherfuckinghell cares that i want that, it won't make it happen.

your emotions can eat my ass.
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Current Music:Gypsy Caravan - Suite of Mirrors
Current Location:still Mica's House
Security:
Time:06:10 pm
Current Mood:worriedwary
I think I might feel better when I have a room I like and stuff I like, like a computer of my own again and fucking not couchsurfing shit. I did buy a polaroid camera, need film. Found a red feather and a black feather in the past few days, that was awesome. I want to start an herb garden for hallucinogenic and poisonous herbs... that would be sweet.

I need a fucking harddrive.

I'm trying out today at a strip club where I guess I could make like $500 a night... some friends work there and make bank. I really hate stripping, but whatever. I neeed cash at the moment, and I'm going to try and make it a social experiment to see how long I can go before I start going insane or my brain starts rotting from all the Christina Aguilara.

It's my birthday on Sunday... w00t. Maybe by then I'll have enough for a trip or a new apartment.
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Time:04:02 pm
I've only trusted one person in my life, I'm starting to trust them again.
I just don't think I'll ever be happy here, I'd be happy living in a room with her and a few other people from the same family.

I figured out what "there are two of them and they have their fangs in you" meant from that dream. One person who did something to me that stuck with me wasn't in this lifetime... that one I'd be a little more capable of ripping the eyes out of. The one in this life is just foreign when I'm awake, like it didn't happen to me.

Different when you're awake.

I still have to deal with this, which sucks. But I'm done "dealing". I'm not that person anymore and as long as I have confirmation that this person will stay away from me, I'll be okay.

IO still have to "do" something... dunno what... but my psyche is o battered that even though I know reality, I've made mistakes. I can't afford to make mistakes. Don't tell me to heal or deal with something that really doesn't matter. Just tell me it doesn't matter and give me evidence of the fact via luck and life. Murder the prcikw ithout me having to be engaged actively.
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Time:10:36 pm
division.
the act of seperating elements.

judgment
the act of imposing moral structure onto others.

1
boring

2
boring

3
32497289546436895347683954768
nothing.
I want nothing.
rest.
wholeness.
completion.
action.

me. my soul. my structure.

combination.
act on structure, not other garbage.
distinguish the difference.
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Time:03:24 am
אהיה eheie -- "I am" or "I will be" ; Ehyeh asher ehyeh was the "I am that I am" response that Moses received when he asked God his name.
כתר kether -- First sephirah, meaning "Crown" ; Divine Plan / Creator / Infinite Light (Supreme / Total Consciousness)
היות haioth -- "living creatures"; I believe these are a class of created beings around God's throne
חקדש hqedesh -- "holy" ; describing the haioth as an adjective
מטטרון metatron -- supposedly the highest of all angels, and the celestial scribe that writes the deeds of Israel, according to Rabbinic tradition - Zohar claims he lead them out of egypt
ראשית reshith -- means "beginning, germ, outset, source, start" ; the 'Primum' of 'Primum Mobile'
הגלגלים hagalgalim -- I think it means "wheels" from what I can find. Suggests a link to the vision of the throne in Ezekiel, and the close proximity to God of these names.
S.P.M (Sphere of the Primum Mobile) -- This indicates this grouping of names as the most powerful.


יה yah -- shorted form of the tetragrammaton YHVH, a simpler name of God
חכמה chokmah -- The second sephirah, "wisdom" ; Divine Reality / Revelation / Yesh me-ayin - being from nothingness (Power of Wisdom)
יופיאל jophiel / רזיאל raziel -- I have a dilemma here. The picture of the Circle in Sloane 2731 and the prayers has Jophiel in English, in Crowley's he has put in Raziel. Raziel is a member of the Ophanim class of beings, Jophiel is not. If this is a Crowley correction, it makes sense to do this, but I wonder if Jophiel is there for a reason. Jophiel is a companion to Metatron and a powerful chief of the Cherubim. If anyone can clear this up for me, I'd appreciate it. At any rate, I've included both names here.
עופנים ophanim -- class of beings that carry the throne of God.
מזלות masloth -- means "zodiac"
S. Z. -- Sphere of the Zodiac

יהוה jehovah -- the Tetragrammon, YHVH, sacred name of God, means LORD
אלהים elohim -- plural of Eloah, a divine name of God, possibly showing a plural nature, or class of beings, even.
בינה binah -- third sephirah ; Understanding / Repentance / Reason (Power of Love)
צפקיאל zaphkiel -- powerful angel ruling over Saturn
אראלים aralim -- "active ones", Thrones - a class of celestial beings
שבתאי sabathai -- "Saturn"
S. ♄ -- Sphere of Saturn

אל el -- name of God, "power"
חסד chesed -- fourth sephirah ; Mercy / Grace / Love of (intention to emulate) God (Power of Vision)
צדקיאל zadkiel -- angel of freedom, benevolence, mercy. Chief of the hasmalim class.
חשמלים hasmalim -- "brilliant ones"
צדק tzedek -- "Jupiter"
K: S. ♃ -- Sphere of Jupiter (I don't understand the K, though.)


אלהים elohim -- as above
גבור gibor -- with elohim, means "almighty / strong / warrior or hero God"
גבורה geburah -- fifth sephirah ; Judgment / Strength / Determination (Power of Intention)
שרפים seraphim -- sixed winged angels attending the throne of God. Described in Isaiah 6. Supposedly highest rank of angels.
כמאל camael -- archangel that lead forces which drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden.
מאדים madim -- "Mars"
S. ♂ -- Sphere of Mars

אלוה eloah -- "a god", similar to 'allah'. Singular of Elohim. A strong divine being / god.
ודעצ va-daath -- daath is "knowledge", the sephirah that is not a sephirah. Eloah va-daath is "God of knowledge", a name associated with tiphareth.
תפארת tiphareth -- sixth sepirah ; Symmetry / Balance / Compassion (Creative Power)
רפאל raphael -- shares the root word 'raophe' meaning doctor of medicine. An archangel of healing.
מלכים malakhim -- plural of "angels".
שמש shemesh -- "Sun"
S. ☉ -- Sphere of the Sun

יהוה jehovah -- as above
צבאות tzabaoth -- "hosts", as in army. With jehovah, "LORD of hosts".
נצח netzach -- seventh sephirah ; Contemplation / Initiative / Persistence (Power of the Eternal Now)
האניאל haniel -- from "joy" or "pleasure". An (arch?)angel associated with netzach and Venus.
אלהים elohim -- as above
נוגה nogah -- "Venus"
S. ♀ -- Sphere of Venus

אלהים elohim -- as above
צבאות tzabaoth -- as above. Together, "God of Hosts"
הוד hod -- eighth sephirah ; Surrender / Sincerity / Steadfastness ( Intellectual / Observational Power)
מיכאל michael -- warrior archangel, field commander / captain for the army / hosts of God.
בניאלהים beni-elohim -- the "Sons of God / the gods" in Genesis who took daughters of men as wives.
כוכב cochab -- "Mercury"
S. ☿-- Sphere of Mercury

שדיאלחי shadai-el-chai -- root word shadad, "to overpower / destroy" - God as destroyer. "El chai" is living God. Almighty Living God.
יסוד yesod -- ninth sephirah ; Foundation/ wholly remembering/ coherent knowledge (Power of Manifesting)
גבריאל gabriel -- a messenger archangel, also announcer. Possibly angel of death.
כרובים cherubim -- winged class of beings. Ezekiel describes the cherubim as a tetrad of living creatures, each having four faces: lion, ox, eagle, man.
לבנה levanah -- "Moon"
S. ☽. - Sphere of the Moon
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Current Music:the doom song - gir
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Subject:a thought
Time:02:23 pm
Current Mood:quirky
had an anxiety dream where two guys showed up to steal crap from my apartment and were surprised to find me there, then wouldn't let me leave and tried to rape me, but I got away or cut off to another dream. realized how cut off I am from most human beings. am hanging out with a guy I kinda like, but it's like it's hard to be there interacting with people directly and letting myself feel my feelings about anything in the present moment. he had a dream about me trying to kill him. I miss missing one of my friends, cuz it's like I know I do but I can't feel it with the other garbage on the forefront of my subconscious, though I know I will. my spiritual sensors are all whacked but that's really obvious to me, as obvious as it is that me thinking my friends will judge me or worrying about stupid shit like that is stupid, and that I'm not alone dealing with anything. not certain if I care, cuz I honestly don't think I really do care if I have support or if people are listening. things are what they are, people listening isn't going to change that.

I used to write my friend letters as a method of healing. I miss trusting her. I think I do, but at this point all I can remember is missing how I felt when she looked at me. But that's not exactly based on love now is it? hah.
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Time:11:33 am
Current Mood:funny
Omnia in Duos: Duo in Unum: Unus in Nihil



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Time:07:34 am
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I'm going to quote a few pieces of advice from a piece I found on the Internet, "15 Fun Things To Do During a Big, Important Test." I trust that this will stimulate your imagination in all the right ways as you get ready for your metaphorical version of a final exam. 1. Bring your own private cheerleaders in uniform. Have them cheer loudly whenever you answer a question. 2. Haul in a large, flamboyant idol. Set it next to you and pray to it often. 3. Bring a friend to give you a massage the entire time. Insist this person is needed because your thoughts flow properly only when your circulation is enhanced. 4. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. if the teacher asks why, say, "The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a Clapper. DUH!"
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Time:07:21 am
Current Mood:ugh.
oops... girls are funny.  that was her, wasn't it?
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Time:06:46 am
Current Mood:focused
 <input ... >
 <input ... > <input ... >
<input ... ><input ... >
<input ... >
<input ... ><input ... >
 <input ... > <input ... >

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Time:03:25 am
okay, I can isolate exactly what this thing is affecting now... like what I think about to trigger it's presence.  Makes it easier to fight it.

moon in scorpio
jupiter trine pluto
tuesday is the day of mars and war
ritual is on tuesday.
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Subject:Writer's Block: Meant to Be?
Time:06:58 pm
Do you believe in fate? Why or why not?
No, I do not... I believe in self determination and free will.  Though it's nice to fantaisize that I am meant to clear the world of some of it's bullshit.
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Time:06:33 pm
I really fucking hate how most "spiritual" people think certain things are good or bad, right or wrong... typically they are so off it's funny and their "light" only draws in shit and manipulates.  It's disgusting.  Maybe I feel so strongly about this because the guy who raped me tried to judge shit as bring good and evil, and it was disgusting.  Call a spade a spade you fucking bottom feeding parasite.  Doesn't help that I feel that damn space around me all the fucking time.  I honestly don't care anymore.

I don't give a shit about punishing the stupid and I am sick to tears of thinking about this crap in a fucking stupid way that makes no sense to me.  I am just pissed off that this thing has wasted so much of my fucking time and valuable thought space that I could have used to suss out other problems and issues.  Most of my fear came from it even being there and my puzzlement as to how that could even happen.  I don't know if I even get that... my only issue is not wanting it there around me.   I hope this fucking exorcism thingy works.  Thinking about it reasonably... it *might* work.  It's reiki, so whatever, I dunno.  I'm not really down with that  frequency typically.  Only thing that ever helped was connecting with Ari in a real way, breaks through faulty thoughtforms like nobody's business, that clarity and awareness.   Clears the bullshit.

Only thing I can think of when thinking about that is the Mad Tv skit song... "lowered expectaaaaations..."
cuz I bet they are.  I'm fucking awesome.
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Time:06:13 pm
Current Mood:pissed offpissed off
let it go
let it go
let it go
let it go

I love snakes... I don't want the reason I love snakes to be because this guy hated them... though it is satisfying on a base fucking level, at this point the effect it has on my psyche is disgusting.
I am happy with not being fond of the sun or star tarot cards... as well as not being fond of most of the water court cards... I really dislike them, they are cop outs and illusions I would rather not operate from... I don't really care about feeling good when things are shit or having false emotions.  But with the state things are in I am having a hard time being in my own space and feeling my own emotions - mostly because I am fucking scared that if I let go it will come back like it did.  I spent 2 years quelling that fear and I don't know how to get back to that mentality, though I know I can and I need to stop feeling defeated whenever thinking about things that do make me happy and stopping myself from experiencing them because this failure happened.
I hate the notion of praise or the potential for the praise of others to feed my ego rather than just being indifferent to opinion and going along my own way... but at this point my ego is so beaten down that I have a hard time doing anything that might actually make me proud of myself.  Which is a major suicidal factor.  I am not saying this for attention.  It's just how it is.  My emotional space is exhausted with the crap on me trying to contradict me.
The only thing that makes me happy right now is fighting this space... proabably because it was never resolved and because I am fucking right about this person needing to be punished.  I am certain they will be, but it's become like an addiction to be angry at this thing.  Which is not healthy.  I think it was masochism.  I am not happy.  I need to remember that I got away from this before. 

"I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for a thousand years."

My frequency is shot... though I think it's funny that my frequency being shot allows me to connect with most 2s... 3s are clean and pure, without bias and well balanced.  2s are full of shit.  1s are even worse, emotional frequencies are the most base of everything, all convoluted and manipulative and dirty.  Fucking PTSD.
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Time:05:46 pm
fdisfajdlakfjlks

I'm actually finding myself reading a bunch of new agey crap online to try and figure out a way to let go of this damn parasite.  blah blah ego blah blah... I dunno.  I don't think this was my fault still... I didn't do this to myself, it snuck in... and how the fuck is it fair to me - fuck, I spent 2 years working on my shit, and I have an understandable emotion reaction to events I cannot process emotionally and I get this crap?  Bullshit.

I know the fucking dynamics... psi vamp=bright fucking light for astral bullshit, especially when distressed. 
Just shoot me if I start hawking terms like "lower emotions" around.  I didn't throw this garbage on myself.  It's not even my fucking garbage.  Though the constant state of stupidity I've been in probably is...

I'm just afraid to even remotely be myself until this thing is not listening and ready to twist my shit.  I'd have a complete meltdown and end up doing myself in with a claw hammer to the head.  No exaggeration.

This fucking "reiki exorcism" on Tuesday better fucking work.
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Time:04:50 pm
Current Mood:pissed offpissed off
What is a Flashback?

This question really has not been directly answered on the forum. I know that I used to believe flashbacks are just like in the movies, literally a little movie playing in your head. Since learning about my PTSD, I have learned about flashbacks.

Flashbacks are: a sudden recollection of the past, which can be formed as visual, emotional, audio or senses.

What exactly does that mean? It means that you might get a flash of something similar to a movie or a picture. You might or might not have detail. You could hear something (your name being called, being threatened, loud bangs etc.) or you could smell something (burnt toast, fire, lemons etc.) or even feel someone's hands on you, the bed move etc... that is not presently happening. Also you can feel emotions that don't belong to that moment (these ones are tough! I get them all the time and my experience was that I was over-emotional or over-reacting, in reality I was having flashbacks and just didn't know it!) You can get one of these at a time, a few at a time, or all of them at the same time! You can also get a flashback and disassociate yourself from the feelings or from it being you (third person mode)

Flashbacks can be very tricky to recognize and even more difficult to discover what triggered them in the first place. Hopefully this helps with the confusion of what is a flashback!

bec

*I have included the Wikipedia definition for every one!*



Flashback (psychological phenomenon)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A flashback is a psychological phenomenon in which an individual has a sudden, usually vivid, recollection of a past experience. The term is used particularly when the memory is recalled involuntarily, and/or when it is so intense that the person "relives" the experience, unable to fully recognize it as memory and not something that is happening in "real time". The medical term for the phenomenon is hypnagogic regression.

Flashbacks are not necessarily episodic — that is, the re-experienced memories may not include specific identifying features (such as images and sounds) that were part of the original event or experience. Because there is a strong emotional component to memory as well, flashbacks can occur as a rush of feelings, emotions, and sensations associated with a traumatic event. This is especially true for young children who were lacking the cognitive abilities needed to define and characterize the trauma when they experienced it, but who may, nevertheless, relive all of the emotions associated with the traumatic event. In addition, those adult survivors of childhood trauma who have solely these emotional memories to draw on, also may experience them in flashbacks.

When they occur involuntarily, flashbacks may be due to a disorder such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (in cases of war-related trauma, physical or sexual abuse trauma) or Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (when a person has used psychedelic drugs).

This, when you're also telepathic and can sense energy and emotions, is fucking retarded.  Fucking . Retarded.





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Time:12:55 pm
I really need to remember myself or I'm done.
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Time:12:06 pm
please dear god do not let me drown in this shit.
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Time:05:50 pm
oh mygod... I am stupid stupid stupid.

jah.  this is easy. 
   
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Current Location:portland screening rooms
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Time:05:16 pm
Current Mood:retarded sensibility
in the throes of misery, I wonder what my mind is doing to me.  I cannot regain focus and all I think about is how much I have messed up my life and my brain and my body.  Depattern, repattern... it's the hardest thing in the fucking world.  At this point, at least.  energy courses everywhere but into where I once was and would like to be again, forms of expression and will and recognition and power.  The more I write like this the more it becomes me, and it is not honest so I will stop.  I cannot see myself clearly and I really have no desire to share outside of some
malformed assumption ofobligation or self cruelty that I once would not have accepted as mine and which I still refuse to.

I am better than this and always have been and always will be.  Just because things have fucked me up doesn't mean that I am gone or lost to clarity. 

I realized that patterns I was building when I started building them, I just felt I couldn't stop... I was so and still am so angry, but if I think about that, it becomes worse and I spiral toward complete annihilation.   This thing feeds on self doubt and revels in self loathing.  This darkwater worm that is pumping bad energy and thoughtforms intomy body trying to get me to succomb so it can keepfeeding on me.  I have lost mywilland my emotions to this garbage, and I feellike shit about it becasue this is not me, but it is always listening.  Assessingand judging, expecting me to give up, but thisis only the beginning.  You are retarded and I will drown you in the garbageyou have tried tocreate in me.
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Time:03:18 am
Current Mood:miserable
things are much much worse than usual. 
and I am out of cigarettes... which is actually the most miniscule problem I have.

I should be looking for work, but untill someone wants a check out clerk who is talkin to themselves and poundin their head against a wall, I really think I should wait until I'm a litl happier or more stable.  But I am out of cigarettes.

and my keyboard isn't working. 

kill me, please...
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